Terri Chance Laugh Lines
We're all aware of all the fake stuff out there in the real world. There are fake body parts, including the obvious of course, but also fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans; there are way too many fake human pieces to list here. All those elements could fill a huge, leather-bound book that could be stored at the Smithsonian.
A few of us have enjoyed a little fake silk, fake cashmere, fake fur, all of which are listed under the heading of polyester, or maybe plastic.
There are fake gems and fake crystals and fake fossils and of course, fool's gold, the mother lode of the first big fake-out.
I have a fake high-def TV. It's too old to be high-def; it was manufactured right at that moment when we were being told that high-def was on its way. My TV is "like" high-def, only it was fairly cheap, as in "you get what you pay for." As a kid, we seriously had a fake stereo. It was transistor radio, one speaker, tinny, the songs came out of Oklahoma City and they were weak. But it looked like a stereo. It had a picture of two speakers on it, and stickers that looked like buttons and knobs and tuners. But it was just a transistor radio. Look it up, kids.
There is fake food. Sweeteners by the truck load. If you want some fake sugar, you got it. Why go with the real stuff when you can sprinkle some chemicals in your iced tea? What if fake sugar is actually made of real chemicals? Then, are you putting something fake in your tea or something real? Of course, if it's fake tea, like the stuff that comes in those big glass bottles that they sell at the gas station, then you really needn't worry about whether all that sugar in it is real or not. That's probably the least of your problems.
Where was I?
One of my favorite fakes are the fake fruit products. My grandkids are suckers for that stuff every time we go to the store. First of all, the box of fruit rolls or fruit chews or fruit bites or fruit bombs they have their eyes on looks colorful and fun and all the cartoon kids on the box eating that junk look like they are having a super-duper blast. Secondly, they are lots of colors on the box, like purple for grape, red for apple, orange for orange, you get the idea. This way, parents, maybe those who don't read ingredients or have opposable thumbs, think all those colors must mean the stuff is actual fruit. Guess what? Another fake.
I'm ashamed to say my favorite fake is microwave, movie theater popcorn. I just read that each bag is loaded with trans fats. When I was a kid, my dad made real popcorn, from real popcorn kernels, dumped it all in a big brown paper bag, melted some butter and then poured it in the bag with a little salt. We all took turns shaking the bag. Real butter, real salt, real popcorn.
I had no idea the stuff I love now was fake. OK, maybe I suspected just a bit. But come on, the popcorn part of it is real. It's just all those weird textures and flavors in the microwavable bag that are fake. I
It's a bummer. I've come to realize that if I keep eating all that fake yellow powder stuff Orville Redenbacher so lovingly makes for me, I might be in the market for some fake body parts.
Terri Chance is a 41-year resident of Broomfield, mother of three and an astute observer of the hilarity of everyday life. Email her at Wrytwon@yahoo.com[1] .
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