Remember the activated almonds craze? These 10 products are just as pretentious. Picture: Supplied Source: Supplied
WE ALL buy too many things that we don't need.
We get sucked into marketing campaigns for products that claim they will make us feel cooler, healthier, richer and happier.
Hipsters around the country sing the praises of "luxury" frisbees[1] , activated almonds, alkalised water and $40 organic hand soap (it's a thing)[2] .
But we're calling BS. It's gotten out of control.
No longer will you get sucked into buying something fancy, just because you think it's cool.
We've rounded up ten of the most pretentious products you can buy right now. Avoid these at all cost.
1. Boutique Water, $80 a case
Antipodes claims its water is one of the “world’s purest waters”. Picture: Antipodes. Source: Supplied
Not content with drinking the free stuff out of the tap? There's a whole range of boutique and "organic" water bottles for you to choose from. And although you might not be able to tell one drop from another, there's a water sommelier[3] out there who can help you distinguish between all the different types.
The hipster favourite is Antipodes, which is sold online by the case and can be delivered straight do your door for $60-$80 (plus shipping). You can choose between still or sparkling and 24 x 500mL bottles or 12 x 1L bottles.
The water is sourced from a deep acquifier and bottled in the "Bay of Plenty" in Whakatan, New Zealand.
"The groundwater of the Aquifer is of very high quality," claims Antipodes. "It has been recognised as the deepest, highest quality groundwater in New Zealand."
2. Posh Instant Noodles - $53 a cup
Harrod’s Post Instant Noodles come with a fork and white linen, to complete the fine dining experience. Source: Supplied
Instant noodles are usually the chosen cuisine of university students, but these fancy noodles are also a favourite of Victoria Beckham, queen of all things Posh.
They're sold at the famous UK department store Harrods and only 100 of each flavour are made, with all proceeds going to charity. So you can feel exclusive and guilt-free while you indulge.
Each cup comes in a hand-flocked and gold-leafed pot along with a fork and table linen, to complete the fine dining experience.
3. Chanel Surfboard - $7000
Chanel’s fancy surfboard, emblazoned with the luxury fashion house’s signature logo. Source: Supplied
Even the world's best surfers don't spend this much on a surfboard.
Aspiring to own a beautiful Chanel handbag is one thing, but this is just ridiculous.
For comparison purposes, Kelly Slater's Channel Island surfboards range from $835 to $925 and they're towards the top end of the market.
Not OK Karl Lagerfield. Not OK.
4. Himalayan Salt Brick - $49.95
Himalayan salt blocks are mined from beneath the Himalayan mountains, and can be used to serve or cook food. Picture: I Quit Sugar Source: Supplied
Do you season your food with salt flakes? You're doing it wrong.
What you really need is a solid salt block to season all your fresh and expensive seafood, meat and vegies.
You can use the block as a serving platter, or you can heat it slowly in the oven and use it to cook your food.
It's all about getting involved with nature, because "there is a connection between the food we eat and the earth we walk on that cannot be broken," according to gourmet food store The Essential Ingredient[4] , where you can purchase a salt block for $49.95.
"These stunning natural salt bricks, mined from beneath the Himalayas, are perfect for serving sushi and sashimi, intricate salads or many other dishes."
Just don't overheat the block, otherwise your food will become too salty. #rookieerror.
5. Can of air - $5.99
It’s a thing. Picture: POS Supplies Online. Source: Supplied
It's a can. Of air. No explanation required.
6. Louis Vuitton Playing Cards - $120
The playing cards come in three different colours, all with the Louis Vuitton logo. Picture: Louis Vuitton. Source: Supplied
Why bother buying a regular pack of cards when you can get this ridiculously overpriced set from Louis Vuitton?
The game set includes three decks of cards, each emblazoned with the Louis Vuitton logo on the back, and packaged in a boring brown box.
"These elegantly redesigned packs are full of the kind of meticulous details that are to be expected from the house of Louis Vuitton," says the luxury fashion house.
These are perfect for babies who like to put everything in their mouths or overzealous gamers who always bend and teat their playing cards.
7. Tiffany & Co Tennis Ball Tin - $1500
This Tiffany & Co tennis ball tin is made from sterling silver and retails for $1500. Picture: Tiffany & Co. Source: Supplied
When you think of Tiffany & Co you probably think of fine jewellery, diamonds and little blue boxes. But they also cater for your luxury sporting needs.
This sterling silver tennis ball tin goes perfectly with an all-white tennis outfit.
The tin holds four balls, is "shined to perfection" and "designed to keep them at optimal playing temperature", whatever that means.
8. Edible gold treats
Eating gold is the ultimate sign of wealth. Picture: DeLafee Switzerland Source: Supplied
Gold isn't just for jewellery. It's also for eating, didn't you know?
"Edible gold is totally safe when ingested and is famous for its non-allergenic properties," says DeLafee Switzerland, one of the world's largest purveyors of edible gold goods. "Both the European Union and United States authorise the use of gold to decorate food products."
DeLafee's range of edible gold (and silver) produce includes chocolates, cigars, sparkling wine, strawberry-flavoured lolly pops and even ice cubes. Yes, ice cubes (it's $73 for a pack of 48, in case you were interested).
You can buy a 1g container of edible gold flakes for US$115.70 and a box of 8 gold chocolates will set you back US$123.50.
This really is the gift for the person that has everything.
9. "Made to order" Tee Pee - $295
Can’t be bothered to make your own tee pee? Just buy one. Picture: Indoek. Source: Supplied
Remember the days when you would build a tee pee out of all the pillows, cushions and doonas you could find in the house?
Now there's no need for homemade fun, if your cashed-up parents buy you this Wave Wam Tee Pee from surf blog Indoek.[5]
It's made of cotton canvas and is held up by bamboo, aluminium poles and leather ties.
"It is collapsible and comes with a bag for easy-to-carry transportation," reads the product description. It can comfortably house up to three adults and is ideal for "napping, reading or simply relaxing on the beach".
Who needs that spare $295 anyway?
10. Symbiotic Chair
The most useless, wankiest chair ever. Picture: DesignBuzz Source: Supplied
The whole point of a chair is that it supports your body weight so you don't have to.
But not the Symbiotic Chair. This chair wins the prize for the most pretentious design of all time.
The designer Joong Han Lee thought the comfort provided by the four-legged seat was way too luxurious, and decided to remove two of the chair's legs. Anyone who sits in the chair has to use their legs to support their body weight and sit parallel with the chair legs.
Han Lee believes we treat our chairs like mere objects and we need to be more sympathetic towards the emotional and physical trauma endured by our furniture. Riggghhhtt.
What are some of the most pretentious products you've ever come across? Continue the conversation on Twitter @beck_sullivan | @newscomauhq[6] [7]
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References
- ^ "luxury" frisbees (www.polar-england.com)
- ^ (it's a thing) (www.aesop.com)
- ^ water sommelier (www.news.com.au)
- ^ The Essential Ingredient (www.news.com.au)
- ^ Indoek. (shop.indoek.com)
- ^ @beck_sullivan (twitter.com)
- ^ @newscomauhq (twitter.com)
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